just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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