I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
