I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
