Just fell off a train. Bad.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
