JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
