one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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