I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
