Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
