At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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