Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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