We're like a lot better than the average bears
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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