Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
