i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
