Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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