The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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