My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
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