Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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