He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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