dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
