He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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