Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The chlamydia really affected his face.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
