the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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