just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
