I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
