hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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