i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Oh god it's open bar.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
