U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
