so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
