i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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