Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
