it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
