why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
