WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
