i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
