if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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