his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
