i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
