So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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