You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
