I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It's shark week go big or go home
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
