how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
