my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
