The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
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I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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