I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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