Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
