Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
