You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
