My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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