im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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