Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
