The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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