I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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