I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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