Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
