I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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