and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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