Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize